For Houston Traffic
Passed On By Chris Pagan
GUIDE FOR DRIVING IN HOUSTON
1. First you must
learn to pronounce the city name. It
is YEWS-TUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other
2. Forget the
traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget
that downtown Houston is composed entirely of one-way streets. The only
way to get out of center of town is to turn around and start over when you
reach Dallas, Texas.
3. All directions
start with, "Go down Westheimer..."
4. Westheimer has
no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible
to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber
of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
6. The 8am rush
hour is from 6:30 to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30pm.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually
stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Houston.
lanes are not understood by anybody.
9. Kuykendahl Road
can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the phonetic
pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare
10. The falling of
one raindrop or (God forbid) one snowflake causes all traffic to
immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye
shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
on the Gulf Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of
12. Many bizarre
sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Oh, we're in
crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes
except one during rush hour.
14. If someone
actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory
where the car was made.
that the 95 lb. woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle
ever produced) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, and then proceed at
2.5 mph over any railroad track. What's the deal? This vehicle was built
to invade small countries, and she's worried about the
16. All ladies with
blue hair who drive Cadillacs or Lincoln Continentals have the right of
17. The above-mentioned blue haired ladies also have a legal right to turn right from a left lane or to turn left from a right lane. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
White haired men driving red or silver sports cars will not obey any
known traffic rule and cannot be expected to stop for red lights or stop
19. Buying a
Houston street map is a waste of money since there is absolutely no way
that you can route yourself in such a manner as to avoid major road
20. Buying a
Houston street map is a redundant waste of money since the termination or
continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Streets
Department of the City. It has been determined that the length of any
street on any given day is a mystery known only to "Higher
Powers" in the department, and it is rumored that they do not speak
to mere mortals.
directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent residents
of an amazing ethnic diversity. It will be not help at all for finding the
address you seek.
natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered species list.
The few remaining specimens are kept in a controlled environment for their
"Sir" and Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if
there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than
they are. You can safely address anyone as "Sir" or
"Ma'am" in Houston as in other southern cities.
"Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss".
So is "Honey". Do not take offence. This is how
southerners address grown women.
26. In Houston we
drink Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper. It is rumored that other soft drinks are
sold here, but no one will admit to knowing anyone who actually drinks
them. So don't ask for any other soft drink.
27. What you need
to know when arriving at Bush Intercontinental Airport: your arrival gate
is at least 32 miles away from the Main Concourse of any terminal. Walking
heels on your boots or walking shoes are advised.
28. Wherever you
are going will be on the other side of town. When attempting to cross
Houston, assume the trip will take a minimum of 4 hours and can take as
long as 24 hours.
29. If attempting to
cross Houston via the freeway system, it is advisable to carry a supply of
Coca Cola, water, a few sandwiches, and something to read while waiting on
the freeway for the traffic jam to clear. Some moderately fast readers
have been known to read a 1,000 page novel during the course of one
traffic jam. If attempting to cross Houston during rush hour, additional
provisions are advisable.
30. Never get on a
Houston freeway without taking a restroom break first!
It may be a long time to the next break.
31. Never honk
your horn at another car in Houston traffic. The bumper sticker that
reads, "Keep honking, I'm reloading" is considered fair warning.